Time passes unhindered. When we make mistakes, we cannot turn back the clock and try again. All we can do is use the present well.
The 14th Dalai Lama
This is one of those times, when I have not used the present well and my mistakes are falling all around me like vile, sulfur-filled disgust bombs. Its been such a hard time, particularly at work, that this holiday of thankfulness has arrived without much notice on my part. For the last few days I have vacillated between suicidal and homicidal thoughts - the homicidal being so much more entertaining and satisfying that I’m in no danger. Nor is anyone else I need to say. Revenge fantasy for me consists of large cartoon dinosaurs storming the campus, stomping on buildings and flinging my antagonists skyward; all the while roaring terrible deafening sounds of rage.
Kind o’ pathetic, eh?
Actually, I have always been an admirer of the Revenge Fantasy. As a therapist and as a client I think it is useful. In reality, we have little control over what happens to us and when our denial about that fact disappears for a while the fantasy of revenge is quite helpful. It is really just a silent mental hope that those who are inflicting the injury on us will in the end be the ones hurt. It is a bit of what goes around comes around – only hurry the hell up, please! If it serves to calm the hurt and rage I feel at being treated so poorly or if it manages to soothe my disrupted sense of self – well great.
In the end, though, it is all about self and other...not being self and other. Once I get that all figured out – well, bye bye fantasies I guess.
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